In 1882, visionary composer and novelist El Craigo DaMan instituted a musical nouvelle vague some seventy years before it even existed. Together with some plank-spanker called Steve they formed "The Crack". Heavily influenced by giants such as The Rolling Stones, The Beatles and Herman's Hermits, they inadvertently established themselves as one of three fundamental foundation keystones of GPLTTT(P) history. For El Craigo was non other than big brother and tonal steward to Kirk's young impressionable ears.

The Crack were prolific ecrivains de chansons, but were not part of the standard music scene. They began composing their simple acoustic guitar arrangements under canal-side bridges for optimal acoustics. This was their unconventional, but powerfully direct approach to live performance. On one occasion, they noticed a small fin patrolling the waterway near them, and concluded it must be a busking shark. Passers-by were always complimentary about their material, and this was a testament to its instant accessibility.

Eventually, The Crack received a commission to compose a jingle advertising a now infamous tartrazine-based orange cordial. The Crack excelled themselves (who can forget the line "I'll be your dog, woof woof woof woof woof woof woof"?), but the company took advantage of their naivety and they received no credit for their important contribution to society. Another commission came their way, this time to compose a score for a local drama group, which they also performed for the duration of the play's run. Their reward was to make a professional-grade recording of one of the songs, "On Safari". Shortly after this step towards greatness, Steve was abducted by aliens, leaving El Craigo in a bit of a pickle.

Perhaps intimidated by his savant elder brother's talents, Kirk spent time surfing West Midlands buses, developing repetitive languages and immersing himself in the milky bath of bohemian Rubery. Inevitably, he slid into the shadowy world of marching bands. His innovative free jazz approach to bass drum playing upset the traditionalists of the "Rubery Marching Band". It became clear that these artistic differences would never be resolved when Dizzy McSmith's trumpet was violently dislodged from her upper lips by Kirk's flailing beater as he pounded out a syncopated strangetime groove. This experience left him musically scarred, and he vowed from that time forth to play not a single note in time, regarding rhythmic structure as a prison for sound.

Fast-forward about a century to 1989 and there you will - if you are at the Anglican church of St. Stephen the Martyr, on a Sunday evening, about 1900H, in a small side room - witness a momentous moment. 'Twas in this there and then that Kirk met Greg and Greg met Kirk. The setting could not be less musical. There was no organist present, nor indeed any background choral work in progress. Yet within literally months Kirk and Greg were exchanging Harry Nilsson tapes, chess pieces, and musical critiques of both contemporary artists, and musiciiae that had side-stepped the unpleasant jiz-pools left by the wanker we call Time. A successful Duke of Edinburgh bronze expedition in summer '89 cemented their bond and they next met two years' later at sixth form college.

By 1991, Greg was well-recognised by people who knew him as someone who could reproduce a pop hit or two from his tiny organ. A devoted student of moody synth-based bands, he was often misunderstood as being extremely miserable rather than exceptionally cool. Quickly acquiring an ear for simple musical arrangements, at school he was given the opportunity to play with larger organs. This allowed him to compose epic soundscapes and learn how to construct intricate drum patterns, which would later prove so completely useless for GPLTTT(P). Greg already had a passion for playing live; he'd played to a packed assembly hall in his third year of secondary school and upstaged even Marcus Aurelius' strong rendition of "that famous cricket theme tune" with Tennant-Lowe masterpiece "Heart". He was itching for more recognition by the time he re-encountered Kirk in 'A' level english literature classes.

Sadly Kirk was still a deeply confused Kenneth with regard to the playage of music. Nevertheless, spurred on by Greg's insane enthusiasm, he decided to become manager and lyricist to "The Wounded Carnations". The project was a tough one - the guitarist (Khizar Hussein) had no guitar, and Greg's organ was in a sorry state due to overuse. But Kirk was a doer: at their one and only band practice, he personally donated a guitar and soft case to Khizar, and his intact organ for Greg to run his fingers up and down. Okay, so they didn't quite make it to the big time. Maybe they didn't have a single song of their own, and couldn't even play the classic Irish ballad "Sweet Child O'Mine", but they had something more important than any of that; they had a ridiculous name.

Kirk, once again scalded by the music scene like a kettle-cat, sought solace in poetry and falling over in public. He was big enough to recognise that this was just a battle lost, not the war. One day, he knew, he would take sweet music by the scruff of the neck and beat the living shit out of it until it lay toothlessly cowering in pathetic submission. He could now see the bigger picture, and admitted to himself that one of the mistakes he had made was to push his musicians too hard. Actually providing them with instruments had proved to be the straw that broke the camel's back. So he put a long-term strategy into action and encouraged Greg to join a newly-formed prog-rock outfit fronted by fellow student Matt O.

Matt O was to Greg what El Craigo DaMan was to Kirk, except they were not genetically related - I mean in the sense of being a musical mentor and confidante and that kind of stuff. And so, we can solemnly slide into place another of the fundamental foundation keystones that underpins the GPLTTT(P). Matt O was a rock 'n' roll prodigy, capable of an engaging and convincing Elvis impersonation at the age of three. His command of the classical guitar soon matched his phenomenal Bowie-esque vocal and stagecraft skills. As a natural musician compositions flowed from his hands freely in all shapes, colours and flavours. The founder member of "Midnight City", he struggled to find peers with a similar devotion to pushing the envelope (though he had a brief respite in "Mega-Axe", a Rush tribute band). In January 1992, Greg passed his audition and entered into a long-standing collaboration and vital musical relationship with Matt.

Together with Matt's local printer and old school friend Lewis Oakley on drums, the band gained momentum. Greg acquired a big, shiny new organ that was capable of more exotic squelchy noises. Eventually fuel pump designer/engineer Sean Coll completed the rock orchestra with his melodic bass guitar lines. By now Matt and Greg had an enviable portfolio of compositions that were to be carefully woven into the fabric of our culture as important historical reference points. One of these, an instrumental called "Orogeny", seemed an appropriate name for the band, whose progressive philosophy aimed to create challenging, awe-inspiring big heaps of rock from the red-hot magma of their creativity.

Despite their remarkably clever name, numerous gigs, professional demo packaging (by Oakley Design & Print Ltd) and sheer talent, Orogeny was hoist by its own petard. Many people were simply too stupid to understand their music and assumed that their name referred to erogenous zones. Matt and Greg courageously refused to dumb-down their art for the lowest-common-denominator, bottom-feeding, dictionaryless masses. Instead they pushed on into little-explored sonic territories, and along the way lost even their own rhythm section. But popularity was never the primary aim of Orogeny; musical excellence, true innovation, being paid lots of money and being adored by lots of sexy groupie girls were far higher priorities.

Alas the money and groupies escaped them for the time being, and they spent most of the summer of '93 re-positioning themselves as a synth-based two-piece band. Around this time, Kirk introduced them to El Craigo's oeuvre and DaMan himself. But bilateral collaborative ventures were ruled out indefinately by a freaky cock accident during a game of badminton.

However, Greg did briefly join El Craigo's electrified phoenixial band "The Crack (mark II)" in a new role as drummer. The line-up was strong; El Craigo fronted the outfit like a vocal colossus; Dom "Racing Car" Kevalsky crackled on rhythm guitar; and another enormously talented member of El Craigo's family - the legendary Paul Jameson (PJ) ground his lead axe until his fingers were sore. Some geezer or other (possibly Geoff Dispute, a session musician who had recorded with Musical Youth and UB40) played bass, whilst Kirk undertook the thankless task of providing Bez-like diplomacy services. The transformed, full rock band arrangement of DaMan's ground-breaking piece - "Religions" - raised the bar for the likes of Will Young and David Hasselhoff, and is now gaining recognition as an important retroactive inspiration for Quincy Jones' production technique.

Despite Kirk's best efforts, the fabled curse of The Crack's name struck again, as the band lasted only one intensely burning month before they split. A combination of excessive alcohol consumption, egomania and sexual frustration induced by regularly seeing, but not touching, petite brunette stunner Julie Spitzendribelz at the practice venue proved disastrous.

Upon dissolution of this supergroup Geoff and Dom opted to pursue their lifelong ambition - fusing the reggae stylings of Roy Orbison and the sweet acid house harmonies of Ella Fitzgibbon. The rest is history. Dom was inducted into the reggae Hall of Fame in 1990. Geoff disappeared when the accounts for a West Midlands donkey sanctuary came under the scrutiny of the serious fraud squad, but is rumoured to have emigrated to a small island in the Pacific, where he fashions wooden hands for digitally-challenged gorillae.

By autumn '93 the rock 'n' rollercoaster slowly pulled into the station and released its knock-kneed occupant, Greg. Too much like a young feline to chase the dream, he left for 4 years of university. Whilst there, he remained musically active, continuing to compose for Orogeny and occasionally returning to Birmingham to play live.

Synthesizers had become decidedly ungroovy in the student population around this time, so Greg redoubled his efforts to learn how to make his kinky minx of a guitar moan. Fairly quickly, he settled on playing rhythm guitar instead. With his new string-plucking capabilities he performed an amazing feat of musical archaeology by, for the first time, transcribing The Crack's oeuvre onto paper, delighting El Craigo and boosting Kirk's motivation to learn guitar.

In 1994, Greg hooked-up with ridiculously-named student cover band "Satellite Circus". His role was ostensibly keyboardist, but he contributed much more. The bass-playing skills he had gained from formal lessons at sixth form college allowed him to convert accomplished violinist Jon "Fish Eyes" Arkell into a stalwart provider of rumbling, and sometimes funky, low frequencies. Similarly, he was charged with sandpapering the inside of versatile lead singer Julian "Jules" Nelberg's choirboy throat. Drummer Hugo Mujo-Smythe was tragically given a diagnosis of carpal tunnel syndrome just two days before their first live performance, so Greg abandoned the ivories and leapt into skin-thumping mode. The guitarists took care of themselves, with Alex "Bluecheeks" Seymour snapping out rhythm like The Edge, and Dominic "W-w-w-wah-wah" Fiddes on lead. They played classics by Rage Against The Machine, U2, Inspiral Carpets, Alice In Chains, Lenny Kravitz and Queen. Due to a shameful lapse of judgement they also played a song by Bon Jovi in public - twice.

Satellite Circus mutated in the next academic year into "Surge". Affable multi-instrumentalist Ben "Flam" Lamb replaced the still recuperating Mujo-Smythe on drums, whilst the disappointingly flaccid Tim "Shagface" McGimby replaced Nelberg on vocals. Lamb also recruited Greg, Bethany Pagan and Frenchman Marcel Parcel into an unnamed blues/funk outfit for a one-off gig.

Upon Greg's return, in 1997, from a year-long spiritual journey to Tibet, Ben Lamb invited him to join his new acid jazz/blues band "Mediocre". Greg was honoured to be playing with legendary musicians such as Richard "Side-Whistle" Baker, Anjelie "Sarkazein" Nighstitz and Matt "Streaker" Corbett. In addition to some of their own material, they covered songs by The Brand New Heavies, Average White Band, B.B.King and Bill Withers.

Greg returned to Birmingham to do a Masters degree in 1998. Orogeny was now exclusively based in the studio and the distended demands-bladder of work, together with the stinging urethra of genre-stretching composition tragically urinated on the already dying flame of Greg's dream-candle.

Meanwhile, Kirk's musical demons had been exorcised after spending a year in Cornwall with a guitar and El Craigo. He had finally gained the skills and confidence to compose songs. This proved to be something of an epiphany for him, and his infectious enthusiasm gave Greg a severe bout of angry drumming, jump-starting his defunct expectation-engine. In 1999 they began to jam together in the unusal two-piece "Fuse". Martin "Gas Bill" Packer, accomplished bassist and old friend of both Greg and Kirk joined Fuse when he and Kirk became housemates. After disappointing vocal auditions by the seriously deranged vocalist Mike "Watterck" Hunt and a sexy little songstress "Paranoid" Anne Droid (who brought her boyfriend along), Fuse was in danger of wilting like a post-coital love muscle.

Luckily, pro-nuncio vocalist Claudio Carpentieri (now with "My Marilyn") kept the member standing proud with his twisted, angst-ridden Morriseyistic crooning. And so, "The Loveable Creatures" were born. Claudio's ear for catchy tunes lifted the driving rhythm section and shamelessly punky guitar to new heights. His inspired recruitment of a second guitarist, Tim "Spaghetti" Weston added yet another dimension, and soon they were playing live, discussing managerial appointments and planning to break onto the London scene. Anyone who heard them thought,

"They are hot property, no doubt they will be signing their autographs on nice ladies' boobs within next to no time."

But a calamitous mistake would presage their death spiral: they changed their name to "Playbox". Committment of the band's members to attaining success in the music industry varied from strong to non-existent. Somehow a Country 'n' Western style composition entered their set list, and for the next month the ugly scene of a once great band's rapid decline followed. Greg went off the rails, claiming to have found religion, and spent the next two years worshipping the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit by regularly pounding his organ on Sunday mornings in "Our Lady of Perpetual Succour's Folk Group".

Meanwhile, two of the pillars that the GPLTTT(P) would later straddle were engaged in their own crusades. Matt O, with minimal input from Greg, had started Orogeny's Lazarus - "Zen". The approach this time was more relaxed and their material more emotional than cerebral. El Craigo had formed Newquay's youthful and energetic "Labelled". However, El Craigo's impressive abstinence from alcohol and other intoxicants conflicted with the predictable Hedonistic lifestyles of the younger band members. They played one live show before drifting apart, but we can at least be thankful for their gift of "Mr. Noodles" to the world.

After gaining his PhD in 2002, Dr.Greg joined four seasoned campaigners in the post-mid-life-crisis blues therapy group "The Academics". The blend of Professors "Howlin'" Mike Salmon (lead vocals and guitar), Taunton "Rocksteady" Southwood (drums) and Phil "The Lips" Murray (saxophones) together with Dr. Paul "Fingers McCray" Life (bass) created a surprisingly pleasant sound. However the credit for this was due in no small part, to the phenomenal lead vocal of Mike's talented daughter Emily. After a few charity gigs and private functions, circumstances necessitated that they wind the project down. Highlights of their repertoire included blues, jazz and rock classics by Robert Johnson, Paul Simon, Ella Fitzgerald, The Dandy Warhols, REM, ZZ Top and Free.

By 2003, Kirk had met both GPLTTT(P) front man, Chris, and drummer, Tom, at their common place of work and they came to regard one another as colleagues. (Tom's background section).

Kirk once attended a barbecue hosted by Chris' strangely attractive sister and impressed everyone present by pretending to have boobs and using a shoe as a mobile phone. Greg later met Chris independently of Kirk, but through common friends at Alton Towers theme park. In time he began to teach guitar chords, keyboard and the rudiments of musical composition to Chris.

Huzzey's first piece, "Granny With A Death Wish" was as promising as it was challenging. After 14 verses of the same tune, it attained a hypnotic quality such that the lyrics and increasingly contrived rhyming scheme somehow seemed irrelevant. His second piece was inspired by a traumatic experience he had whilst replenishing his groceries. "Sainsbury's" was a vitrolic blow-by-blow account of his public humiliation at a cash register, when payment with just one of his numerous high-status credit cards was refused. The song revealed a deep-seated anger that Greg and Kirk recognised might just appeal to pig-headed idiots throughout the Western world; other people might just find it amusing, they thought.

Eventually Chris, Greg and Kirk ran out of other people to talk to, and like three hyperdense cosmic bodies, they coalesced and collapsed into the black hole that formed the nucleus of the GPLTTT(P). Their musical collaboration began as a series of free-form alcohol-induced blatherings of three disillusioned young Brummie studs, and frankly very little has changed; they shifted from acoustic to electrified arrangements; pulled Tom in from the accretion disc to whack skins; and maybe the perceived size of their genitalia has grown in proportion with their success: but GPLTTT(P) are, as ever, keeping it real.